So far, this has undoubtedly been the most beautiful summer of my adult years. I’m almost in Bourges and all the conifers on the side of the road are making me tear up. I’m not sure why, but probably because they bring back memories of my childhood and the carelessness I once felt. I’m feeling it again and I’ve been missing it for far too long.
I’ve been through so much in the past few years. To say that I have dealt badly with certain bumps and situations is to say that I’m not resilient, but that is just not the case. I’ve bounced back ten times over. I’ve started from scratch and moved my living situations more times than fingers on my hands. I’ve held many jobs, probably too many jobs, than I would like to admit.
I like to think that my ex and I are like elements that when combined make for a highly toxic chemical because I don’t necessarily want to say that he’s a toxic person or that I’m a toxic person. To say that he’s a toxic person is to allow all the blame to get transferred onto him. We just hung on to each other for too long creating more, more, MORE toxicity.
Life has been so unstable. I’ve bounced back with every tumultuous event, but each and every one took something away from me. Compartmentalizing pain has become my favorite thing. It’s almost like I shoved bad shit to the back of my brain, only to revisit it a day, a week, even years later. Basically, I just lived in the very uncomfortable state of some sort of contemplation about a thing that was way past me and that only prevented me from living life in the now.
Somehow this process became normal and I didn’t even notice until now that I’m away from Cleveland. You see, here in Europe things don’t haunt me as much and I am finally able to enjoy the moment. I am able to see how futile it is not to deal with things right then and there. It’s so much better to cry now than have lingering feelings… and most of all, it’s so important not to close yourself off from the world. I told myself I would open my heart again and it’s finally happening. I don’t know… It almost feels like I went to the cosmos aka my own head and I’m finally back to Earth.
Hello, friends. If you’re having a heart time dealing, just know that there are a billion places on this beautiful planet that will help you mend.